Lightning Rods Needed

I think there has only been one time in my life in which I sat on my knees crying and begged God to understand why something in my life had happened. Case in point the unseen and unanticipated loss of my Aunt Tammy on her 50th birthday (which also happened to be Mother's Day). You know it's one of those situations where your entire family is gathered in a hospital and tears are falling and you feel Empty. Lost. Confused. Heartbroken. I count myself lucky that I have only experienced such a situation once in my life and I am nearing 28.

However, recently I feel like I have been hit with wave after wave of horribly unfortunate stories involving friends and family. Some are directly connected to people I know and others are just incidences I have happened to stumble upon whether through friends on Facebook or through church etc. And for whatever reason it just seems that life as a whole keeps getting uglier. Maybe society just has a sick masochistic side that seems to get more attention than deems necessary or maybe it's the truth and the world is getting uglier as a whole. Who knows for sure, because I don't.

My problem with it all is that I'm sitting here waiting. I'm waiting for it to strike my house. I know, I know, that's irrational and it's unpreventable, but guess what IT. HAPPENS. You know that question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Well, it's because good people don't really exist. Sure, there are people who do less evil than others, but let's be honest even Mother Theresa had her faults. I don't think you can actually "good behavior" your way out of bad things happening.

A Rationally-Irrational Fear

I am pretty sure I just made up the term "rationally-irrational", but sometimes double negatives are a necessity in life.

You see, I have an irrational fear of having a second child, but this irrational fear is technically made rational when you understand my predicament. Therefore, I have a rationally-irrational fear of procreating for a second time. In my mind it makes sense, but sometimes my mind is a very interesting place to reside.

If I could explain to you how I feel via nursery rhymes it would go something like this....

This was the least frightening humpty picture I could find.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty back together again!

Now I know your utterly confused, but stick with me here. Most people would assume that after having one kid the second would be a walk-in-the-park. Sort of going with the whole been-there done-that mentality. And of course there is that concept that Mother's apparently forget what goes on in the delivery room and that's why we end up rushing to have a 2nd, 3rd and possibly even a 4th, when just 9 months before we were literally wondering why we ever decided to have children in the first place, as you attempt to push a 26 cm head out of a 10 cm hole.

But as much as I would like to think I have forgotten, I don't really think I was blessed with this so-called delivery amnesia. And to be honest its not really the delivery that was the problem for me, but more-so the post-delivery circumstances that have my panties in knots whenever I even remotely entertain the idea of getting a sperm to reach one of my eggs. Seriously, I have to work hard to suppress the mild anxiety attacks that threaten to overwhelm me and to top it off these feelings are intermixed with the giddiness & joy of adding to our family. Which, I dream about often and want more then anything else in the world (except possibly our trip to Italy in the fall, kidding, well maybe just a little bit).