Therapy is expensive. So when I am having "bad days" I write about them because it's therapeutic and free. Some posts get published and others are set-aside for my eyes only or to be re-written or re-worked at a later date. But today, today, I find myself writing in the moment and there will probably be many errors as you read this, but when I get emotionally worked up about stuff it just spews out of my mouth and I don't stop to think whether or not it sounds good.
Today I am having a bad day. And I realize that lots of us have bad days. Many, most, actually probably 90% of other bad days, I know, would be considered WAY worse. But nonetheless here I am writing about mine.
Today my bad day is the result of so many things, but the culmination of those things seems to be the reality that Motherhood is hard. Or can be hard, or has moments of extreme hardness, in which I speak of the trials & tribulations we face and not the perception that Motherhood has a sense of density in relation to being "hard". Anyhow....
I am in the middle of a transitional phase with our daughter and it is wearing me thin. No longer a "baby" she is entering the toddler phase of life like a bullet from a gun and its been difficult trying to find a daily rhythm. Her naps are changing, her attitude is changing, and her entire being is changing. Since its my first go at this, everything is new and so I am learning every day. And I am slowly realizing that my 4 year college degree did nothing to prepare me for it.
Thank God I have a Mom's group and mom friends who offer me sanity in an otherwise insane time. I don't know what it was about today that made me lose it, but lose it I did. It doesn't help that I am having an allergy attack and it's the first day of my period, but still, I generally don't get this emotional. So I am left thinking that maybe it is simply just one of "those" days. And every once in awhile I realize that I just need a good cry.
As a side-note to my otherwise unfortunate "bad day", is this sudden awakening that I hope I am responding "in-kind" to mothers around me when they have similar days. My bright orange, life vest of a friend JM, who always happens to bear the grunt of my texting rampages, when everything has hit the fan, is seriously a life-saver. And whenever I get messages of the same nature from other moms I hope my response is as warm & fuzzy as hers are to me.
This sudden realization has also made me more aware of how frequently mom's bring other mom's down. And it makes me sick. All too-often I hear one mom begrudging another mom her right to vent, complain, confess etc. about the hardships they might be experiencing because it can't be worse then what they are dealing with. I hear this stuff and I am like REALLY?! They start to compare by who has more kids, or who has all boys vs. all girls or whose kids just are easier then other kids or this & that and blah blah blah.
When the truth of the situation is that whether you have 1 kid or 20 kids and all girls or all boys or a mixture of both, at the end of the day we as a cumulative whole are all mothers trying to navigate a job that in a sense has no job description, no pay, no guidelines and changes on a freaking daily basis. To say that there aren't bad days would be a lie.
But my point is this... We all have them. And sometimes the only way you survive them is by being allowed to cry on another moms shoulder. You could try your husbands, but more often then not they start to think you do need therapy. When really you just want to be understood and acknowledged and reaffirmed that today will pass and tomorrow will be better. Because the reality that there are bad days comes with the reality that there are amazing, heart-wrenching, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, jaw-dropping, flipping AWESOME days. It's these days that overshadow the bad ones and remind us that it is all worth it.
They weren't being obtuse when they said, "It takes a village to raise a child." It really does. And although it might feel like the whole village is working, sometimes all you need is....
One good friend. One good cry. One good phone call and maybe a shot of vodka or two.
Tomorrow will be better. I know it.