Since this is my second go around I'm not nearly as consumed with things as I was before, but I'm also not going the natural midwife route so it changes things. It changes lots of things.
The biggest change has been people's opinions and honestly their lack of support. Not that I had 100% support when I went natural because honestly people are life-sucking bastards and they apparently feel the need to educate you on their subjective reasoning no matter your personal circumstances. I distinctly remember someone downgrading what my experience would be because I was refusing drugs it went a little something like this... "Why go through all of that pain when it's so much easier with drugs. I think you'll regret doing it natural. It's not worth it."
And I am so done.
I am done with unsupportive opinions that do nothing but belittle me and make me feel horrible. So, I'd like to take a moment and educate the world around me on something...
Your opinion is NOT wanted. Period.
I've written many posts about what I went through during my labor and delivery of Eliana here, here, and some more thoughts here. If you've been reading along then you know how I feel about the entire concept of having a c-section. It's not my first choice and I'm aware of the risks and complications that could occur, but I'm also aware of the risks and complications that could occur by doing vaginal again and it's not worth it. On one hand I'm choosing the lesser of two evils. On the other hand I'm choosing the only real option I have unless I want to permanently live with this baby inside of me forever because I can guarantee you that if someone strapped me to a gurney and told me to bear down and push the baby out, my cervix would close up and my entire body would shut down. It's a mental impossibility for me. Could my body physically push out another baby, sure. Would my brain allow it, no.
Any sort of tearing isn't fun, even small ones can be extremely uncomfortable, but like any traumatic event you don't forget what happened. What you went through to survive. Your thoughts, feelings, emotions and responses to the healing process. It's all there, haunting me, taunting me and looming over me like a bad nightmare. I hated my child. I hated my baby for at least the first four weeks of her life. Do you know how ugly that feels? How horrific it is? I don't want that again. I can't go through it. Do you know how it feels to want to do something as simple as use the restroom and spend 8 hours accomplishing this task? Do you know how it feels to go 6 months without being intimate with your husband because it's too painful? Do you know how it feels to have your tissues cauterized down there because you didn't heal properly?
Oh, what did you say no? No, you don't know? Then do me and every other mom out there who is dealing with making an "alternative" decision based on something regarding labor and delivery a favor and shut your mouth. Please and thank you. You are not helping at all. Your narrow minded opinions based on some book you read or the one experience a friend of yours had that you will use as a blanket comparison to form a truth based on all things regarding my situation is NOT WANTED.
When two people are having a conversation there is a big difference between what someone is saying and what the other person is hearing.
When you say, "I think you should take your chances and do vaginal."
I hear, "Your choice is wrong. You are a failure."
When you say, "C-sections are so bad though. So many complications. Don't you want what's best for the baby?"
I hear, "You're a bad mother. You're a bad mother. You're a bad mother."
When you say, "What if the tearing isn't that bad the second time?"
I hear, "You are weak. You are a failure."
When you say, "Healing from c-sections are really difficult as well."
I think, "You haven't listened to a word I've said have you?"
So do me a favor and this includes all of you super opinionated people who like to give moms unsolicited/unsupportive advice about all things in life including how to parent them, how to feed them, how to make them sleep better, how to make their gas go away, and so forth:
We are all doing the best we can with what God has given us. Our circumstances are all different, but we are in the same boat -- Motherhood. So take a step back and look at your words. Are they being helpful or harmful? Do they build another mom up or tear her down? Do they give her hope or doom?
The best words a friend of mine told me (another mom) when I decided on this route was, "Good for you. You know your body and you know what you can and can't handle. You labored long enough with Eliana for all of your future children to get a piece of it. Just divide up the 33 hours amongst them and they will all get a portion of what you accomplished."
This is the stuff we need. Support and a good laugh. Life is already ugly enough as it is. Don't add to it.